


Ask The Sexpert

by A_Sherlocked__Girl



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Comedy, Humour, Inspired by true incidents, M/M, Multi, Real life questions, Sex Related Q&As, Sexpert!Sherlock, Sherlock's own answers, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-04
Updated: 2015-10-07
Packaged: 2018-04-24 18:33:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4930630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Sherlocked__Girl/pseuds/A_Sherlocked__Girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which,<br/>Sherlock is NOT a slut.<br/>NOT a rentboy<br/>NOT sexperienced<br/>He's just the Sexpert.</p><p>Come, have a look. You may like it. :D</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NausS](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=NausS).



> Dedication:
> 
> For my Kiddo (NausS), 
> 
> This is a small gift for you. I hope you know how grateful I am for the warmth and support your friendship has given me. Without your enthusiasm and constant nudging, I wouldn’t have felt confident enough to write it. You always make my days brighter. Merci beaucoup, ma Cherie! Love you. <3
> 
>  
> 
> A/N:
> 
> Hey guys,
> 
> Here I am, once again, with a short fic. This is my first crackfic ever. So, if you enjoy it please drop a comment or leave kudos. Your support boosts up my confidence and helps me with my writing.
> 
> For the lovely people who are following my other ongoing story: I am truly sorry for making you wait this long for the next update. I am stuck in the middle of the next chapter. But I am working on it constantly. I don’t even think of abandoning the story and hope you won’t abandon my boys too. I dearly hope this fic will compensate for the lack of update. 
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: 
> 
> The Title: The title of this fic is taken from a sex related Q&A column in an Indian tabloid, Mumbai Mirror. Dr. Mahinder Watsa is the ‘Sexpert’ of this column. He is a brilliant person and has been working for decades to spread the sexual awareness among the common mass. 
> 
>  
> 
> The Questions: All the questions asked in this chapter are NOT MINE. They are taken from different websites and papers. 
> 
>  
> 
> The Answers: All the answers given in this chapter ARE MINE. 
> 
>  
> 
> Beta: MagdaTheMagpie.  
> Su is not my beta, she is my best friend. The bestest best friend one can ever have. Thank you, Su, for taking the time and trouble to beta-read it. Love you! *clingy koala hugs*
> 
>  
> 
> Special note: This story contains some sex-related questions which I stumbled upon a few days ago and laughed my head off. I imagined Sherlock answering them and thus this story came into being. I do not mean any harm to the people who asked them. Hell, there weren’t even any name mentioned. 
> 
>  
> 
> It is a crackfic. I hope this will make you laugh.  
> Let me know your thoughts.

******************************

 

Sherlock wanted revenge. Well planned, cold blooded revenge. Dark and gory.

 

John was out with Lestrade again. Despite Sherlock’s many ministrations to abort the meeting, John had left him in their cold, empty flat, alone. It wasn’t Sherlock’s job to light the fireplace; he had already texted John seventeen times to come home and do it, but that daft git hadn’t replied yet. Why? Because Sherlock had drugged John for five hours. It was only for five hours, for heaven’s sake! It may not have been consensual but still… John was such a drama queen. And cruel. And heartless.

 

Now, Sherlock wanted revenge.

But how? His eyes flickered through the room in search of a perfect weapon and landed on the ideal one.

 

The laptop. John’s laptop.

 

It had been days since Sherlock had checked out John’s medical blog. He had started this blog right after  their case blog. To lend his medical expertise to more people. Hah! As if anyone would consider even checking a GP’s blog. John was such a simpleton.

 

Password: sherlockisagit. Wrong.

ilovesherlock. Wrong.

_Hmmmm, getting smarter, aren’t we, John?_

Password: keeptryingbutthistimeitisunique.

 

The blog opened in front of Sherlock’s eyes. He smirked.

 

Nothing new had been added since he had checked it last week.

 

 ** _If you have any question, PM me.._** blah blah blah.

 

Inbox. Two messages. One read, dated from a few days ago. One unread, dated recently. _Hmm._ Sherlock clicked the first one.

 

And immediately choked.

 

It read-

**“I think I’ve broken my boyfriend’s boner. Though he hasn’t realized it yet. But I’m afraid that our sex life is over. Please help.”**

 

Mycroft’s saggy arse! Sherlock read the question, _twice_.

 

There was an answer too!

 

_“I don’t know how I can be of any help mending your boyfriend’s ‘broken boner’. Even though it is called a ‘boner’ in urban slang, it does not actually have bones within it. And I am pretty sure, if the penis was injured in any way, your boyfriend would have been the first one to know. But if you have sex related enquiries, I suggest you consult a sexologist, for I am not one. Thank you.”_

 

 _My sassy idiot,_ Sherlock smiled affectionately. Then scowled, remembering where and with whom John was right now. _Sassy cruel idiot._

 

Sherlock clicked the unread one. From the same sender. It read-

 

**“You’re the doctor, you should answer. Why are you suggesting another doc? Aren’t you qualified enough? But you’re right. I didn’t break his dick. We just had mind blowing sex last night. Thanks!”**

 

_Yes, John why are you suggesting another doctor when you can perfectly play the role? Spending time with Gavin and ignoring my texts? It’s time to add another feather to John’s hat!_

 

Sherlock got up (very reluctantly), to bring his own laptop. It wouldn’t be safe to do it from John’s laptop. Around twenty minutes later Sherlock’s screen sported a new blog-

 

**Science Of Seduction**

**-By Dr. John H. Watson.**

**Sexually frustrated? Have questions that are so bizarrely embarrassing that even your keyboard refuses to type them? Want sexual expertise? Ask the Sexpert. Your questions will be answered based on urgency. So, feel free to PM me.**

 

Sherlock checked the whole thing to make sure it sounded like John and finally logged out. He picked up his violin. John would be home any minute now.

 

When Sherlock finished the score, two arms wrapped around him from behind and he felt a kiss on his nape. John apologized for not replying. Sherlock felt a pang of guilt for creating the blog without John’s knowledge.

 

But-

 

John- the sexpert!

 

The temptation was stronger than the guilt.

 

  **[][][][]**

 

It took three days for the first message to arrive. 

 

**“I’ve been sleeping with my girlfriend for three weeks now. Last week she felt nauseous, and threw up a lot. We went to a doctor and she said my gf’s four months pregnant. Why is my sperm so powerful? What should I do?”**

 

Sherlock rolled his eyes and promptly checked whether John was still in the kitchen before replying.

_“It is not your sperm’s potency that is in question here. Find your girlfriend’s ex. You can make him pay for the pregnancy. Or you can murder him. If you do, please make sure it is a good murder.”_

 

 

He changed the page just in time for John to appear behind him, with his tea. He kissed Sherlock’s temple.

 

_Mmmm. My John._

**[][][][]**

 

 

The next day there were two messages-

 

 

**“My neighbor is in my backyard, trying to have sex with one of the plastic garden gnomes. What should I do?”**

 

_“Provide him with a real one. Or ask him to buy his own plastic gnome.”_

 

Sherlock was tempted to tell the sender off in his own Sherlockian way, but John- the sexpert wouldn’t ever think of doing that. So, he moved onto the next.

 

 

 

**“How to masturbate successfully?”**

 

_“Google is not a wallpaper. Use it.”_

Sherlock was having second thoughts. This was _not_ something he aimed for his life.

**[][][][]**

 

 

_Ding_

 

They were in the middle of a crime scene.

 

  _Ding_

 

Sherlock was deducing about the dead body.

 

  _Ding_

 

John was yelling at him for pushing an old lady because she was standing too close to John.

 

_Ding_

 

“For fuck’s sake, who’s texting you like crazy?”

 

“No one.”

 

“Sherlock?”

 

“Don’t ‘Sherlock’ me.”

 

“Then, care to tell me who’s so desperate to talk to you?”

 

“Mycroft.”

 

“Nope. ‘cause now he texts me if you ignore him. Try again.”

 

“Gustav.”

 

“Who the hell is that?”

 

“Lestrade, of course!”

 

“You- nevermind, never-“

 

  _Ding_

 

“Either turn the silent mode on or I’m gonna throw it away. And you better not cheat on me, Sherlock Holmes.”

 

“That’s atrocious!”

 

_Ding_

 

John gave him a pointed look before turning away.

 

“Damn the notification alerts,” Sherlock muttered under his breath turning off the text alert sounds.

 

**[][][][]**

 

**_“I’m married, in my early thirties. Our sex life is very satisfactory. But recently, my wife forces me to wear lingerie and tie my hair whenever we have sex. Why does she do that? Is it normal? What should I do?”_ **

_“I am not your wife, hence I cannot tell you her motive behind forcing you to wear female under garments. If both of you enjoy it, then it is normal as once a wise man said, normal is boring. If you do not want to wear them, tell your wife so. If she still forces you, you might want to consider divorcing her.”_

 

 

**~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

**“My girlfriend is 32. She was bleeding when we had sex last night. She is in the middle of her period. Is it normal? Or does that mean she is pregnant?”**

 

_“Oh horror! Bleeding during periods? Unthinkable! Maybe she was pregnant and you just killed the baby. And now the innocent’s blood is on your penis. Do your research about periods.”_

 

 

 

**~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

**“My clitada hurts?!?!??!?!”**

 

_“Define ‘clitada’. And are you posing a question or exclaiming? Please, decide first, then bother others.”_

 

 

  **~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

**“Are you willing to have sex with one of your patients, Doctor? I’m 22, with a perfect hourglass figure. And very veeeeeeery naughty in bed. PM me back  ;* ”**

 

_“If you are a patient and carry some interesting diseases (which I’m certain you do), then you indeed will be very appealing for me in bed. A morgue bed, to be precise. In a body bag. And I have a genius, extraordinary boyfriend who does not consider the bed as a kindergarten playground.”_

 

  **~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

**“Will peeing in a girl’s butt present any serious health problem?”**

 

_“If you do not have a toilet where you live, use a public urinal.”_

 

_**~~~~~~~~~~~~** _

 

****

**“What would most likely happen if I stick a curling iron up my butt hole?”**

 

_“It will most likely curl your anus and fry your brain. I’d say good riddance.”_

 

 

**~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

**[][][][]**

 

Sherlock didn’t know anything anymore. This was not supposed to happen. It was meant to embarrass John. But instead, he was being the Sexpert now! Who were these people? Was Mycroft cloning Anderson secretly? Good grief! No, he had to tell John, as soon as possible.

 

Sherlock, the sexpert? No way in hell.

 

 

**[][][][]**

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More questions.....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> Thank you so much for all the lovely comments, kudos and bookmarks. Thank you for the supports!   
> Here is the last chapter. Please let me know what do you think about it. Your words always help.
> 
> This is a gift to my darling friend NausS
> 
> And it's Beta'd by my dearest friend MagdaTheMagpie
> 
> Hope you enjoy the read.
> 
> xxx  
> Abbey
> 
>  
> 
> A/N:
> 
> The Questions in this chapter are NOT MINE (except for the sausage, the sheep and the cat one XD )
> 
> The Answers are ALL MINE
> 
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**“My girlfriend sneezes after sex. Will it keep her from getting pregnant?”**

 

_“No, it won’t unless you are in the habit of inserting your penis up her nostrils.”_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

**“I’m a vegan. But if I masturbate with a sausage, will I become a non-vegetarian?”**

 

_“Human genitalia are not capable of consuming food. The contents you stuff into it do not end up in your stomach.”_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

 

**“I am having twins. Can I abort just one of the babies? I have decorated the nursery with girly themes. But now me and my husband have been informed that one of the twins is a boy. Can I abort him?”**

Sherlock recoiled. He felt sick for associating John’s name with this….this disaster. This was not stupidity; this was insanity. Complete madness. Inhuman selfishness. He would never even consider replying to this, to any of these, if not John’s name was involved. John never turned away from a commitment. And if John’s blog said he would answer the question, then he must. Until he told John about it and delete this whole damn thing. But until then, Sherlock would sacrifice his intellect and try to help them as much as possible. Like a brave martyr. 

 

_“Ask your husband to chop off one of his testicles. That will get rid of your baby automatically. Also please let me know your address, so that I can send someone to supervise the procedure.”_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

Sherlock snapped the pen in his hand in two. His IQ was dropping rapidly. He could _feel_ his brain was shrinking. Was this the time when people join a Yoga class or a monastery to dig up their inner peace?

 

He fisted his hair and tugged.

 

[][][][]

 

“Sherlock?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“Your text alert was on last night.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“Yes, and you received several texts after you fell asleep.”

 

“Oh. Must be the clients.”

 

“Mmhmm…… Sherlock?”

 

“Yes, John?”

 

“Is…..is Adler back?”

 

“What? No. John-“

 

“Someone else?”

 

“John, it’s absolutely not what you are thinking, these are not-“

 

“I’m sorry, love. I just- I got you back after so much trouble that…. I love you.”

 

“I love you too. I’m….sorry, John.”

 

“For what?”

 

“Uh…for not turning off the text alerts?”

 

“You nutter, c’mere, will you?”

 

“Mmmmmmmm.”

 

 

[][][][]

 

It was John’s lunch break at the clinic and just when he was about to call Sherlock, Sarah knocked.

 

“Hi.”

 

“Oh, hello, Sarah.”

 

“Skipping lunch?”

 

“Mmm, not really hungry. I’ll just grab a sandwich or something from the cafeteria, I guess. Sooo, did you need any-“

 

“Oh, no no. Nothing. I just came here to say hello. I’ll just go then”

 

“Um, okay,”

 

Sarah gave him a peculiar smile and turned to go but stopped at the door.

 

“Uh, John?”

 

John frowned. “Yeah?”

 

“I appreciate what you are doing, you know. There are so many people with so many questions regarding….you know, regarding your, um, _topic_. And I think it is very nice of you to lend them your help.”

 

John’s frown deepened, what was she on about? “I- uh, don’t really get what you’re-“

 

“Your blog! I think it’s great, John. I mean, of course, there are many like yours, but in your case, I can be certain that the advices will be genuine.”

 

 _Blog? Ohh. The medical blog! She follows it?_ “You think so? I thought no one’s gonna give it a second thought.”

 

“Are you serious? Do you know how many people seek such advice? People don’t always feel comfortable to discuss those things, you see. It’s very generous of you to do something without any profit. It’s good.”

 

John blinked. “Thanks. I mean, it’s not much. Just some medical tips, but thanks, Sarah.”

 

“Oh, you’re always welcome, John.” She gave him a sultry smile (really?), “So, maybe you can help me out sometimes?”

 

 _Ummmm…._ “But aren’t you a doc yourself?” _why the hell is she giggling?!_

 

“Not as _good_ as you. So, are you refusing to help me then?”

 

“No, I- yeah. I mean, you can- you can ask for my help anytime. It’s- yeah.”

 

“That’s great. I’ll keep that in mind. Now, enjoy your lunch.”

 

 _After that giggle and hair flip? I don’t think so._ John thought with a grimace as she left the room. _Maybe I should call it a day and go home. Sherlock is right, there’s definitely something wrong with that woman._

 

[][][][]

 

**“I’m 17yo boy. I still haven’t got my first period. My sister had hers when she was 14. Is it a boy thing to have them later than the girls or there’s something wrong with me? When will I have it?”**

 

_“You won’t. There’s something very wrong with you. Your life is over. You’ll die soon. My condolences.”_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

**“Can your baby get pregnant if you have sex while being pregnant?”**

 

_“Are you asking me? In that case, no, my baby cannot get pregnant as I cannot get pregnant. Complicated male pregnancy and all. But in your case, yes, the baby certainly can get pregnant. So, stop having sex immediately, unless you want to have grandbabies along with your babies.”_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

 

**“Is it true that you don’t need to wear condoms while sleeping with an Asian woman since they can’t get pregnant?”**

 

_“Absolutely true. Asian people download their babies from the internet, didn’t you know?”_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

**“How do you finger a girl?”**

 

_“I do not.”_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

[][][][]

 

“Hello, John, to what do I owe this pleasure?”

 

“Shut up, Mycroft. Uh, listen, can you somehow arrange another pack of that special brand of basil tea you gave Sherlock last Christmas? It seemed to sooth his nerves. Your brother’s driving me nuts.”

 

“Oh, more than usual?”

 

“Way more. Don’t know why, but he’s so restless and snappish recently. And….Mycroft?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Do you know if- if Irene Adler is back?”

 

“No, I haven’t received any such information. Why do you ask?”

 

“It’s just…Sherlock is getting texts all day long. He has assured me that it isn’t her, but…”

 

“Oh.”

 

“ _Oh_? Hang on! I know this Holmes ‘oh’ enough to know that you’re hiding something from me. What is it then? Out with it.”

 

“Oh, no no. It’s just a _reaction_. However, I must congratulate you for the success of your new blog, Doctor.”

 

“My new what?”

 

“Your new blog, of course.”

 

“New blo- what the hell are you talking about?”

 

“Am I to presume that my dear brother hasn’t told you about your new blog?”

 

“What blog?”

 

“Ah. Well, I hate to keep you in the dark, John. I am sending you the link. It is very…… _interesting_.”

 

“Huh? Mycroft? What’s going on?”

 

“You’ll see in a minute. Ah, sent you the link.”

 

“Oh, okay, I just- Bye..and the tea, don’t forget the tea.”

 

“Of course, how can I? And John, those text alerts are not from Irene Adler, be assured.”

 

“O-kay, I’ll- yeah.”

 

[][][][]

 

John clicked on the link Mycroft sent him.

 

And thanked his non-existent luck for ordering that nerve soothing tea.

 

[][][][]

 

Sherlock knew that John knew as soon as the front door banged open downstairs. He schooled his face to look like a kicked puppy.

 

After much stomping noise, John entered the room. Sherlock looked up as innocently as he could manage.

 

“Do you want to tell me something?” John almost hissed.

 

“About what, John?” Since when being obtuse has ever helped anyone? But Sherlock tried it anyway.

 

“Playing dumb really doesn’t suit you. So, mind telling me now?”

 

Sherlock huffed and went back to his original grumpy self. “You know already, what else is there to tell?”

 

“Oh, I don’t know..hmmm…maybe why the fuck did you do that to me?” John’s nose turned red whenever he yelled, Sherlock noted thoughtfully.

 

“I was annoyed with you.”

 

“ _Annoyed_? You hacked my computer and created a bloody sex blog using my name just because you were _annoyed_ with me?!” John was all red now and looked alarmingly angry.

 

Sherlock began to sulk.

 

“It is not a ‘sex blog’. People ask sex related questions there and you answer-“ He stopped seeing John’s expression and amended immediately, “and _I_ answer them.”

 

John looked ridiculous saucer-eyed. “You did what? Y- you answered their questions? You didn’t just stop creating the blog, you also answered questions pretending to be me?! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, SHERLOCK!”

 

“Stop being so dramatic, will you? And it’s not like you had to sacrifice anything. I endured everything. It was I who sacrificed my sanity to maintain the blog for the sake of your reputation.”

 

“Oh yeah? Now I have to listen to you preaching about holding a reputation? For the sake of my reputation? What reputation, Sherlock? A sexpert? Sexpert?! Really? You were annoyed and you made me a sexpert?! And then you answered fuck knows what kind of questions using my name! Do you still think there’s anything left of my reputation as a reliable doctor?”

 

“You have become quite popular.”

 

“Shut up. Just shut up, you crazy…” He struggled for the appropriate word and settled for, “baboon.”

 

“Have you seen those questions? Do you know how much it cost me to read them and not to kill those morons? My IQ dropped, John! It dropped below the average!”

 

“All the more reasons not to answer them. Then why did you?”

 

“Because you never shy away from a challenge. You never break your commitment. In the blog, you- _I_ wrote that I was going to answer all the questions. And I tried to maintain it for your sake. Don’t you get it? I am trapped in my own trap.” Sherlock tugged at his hair again. Head bent. Eyes closed.

 

He heard a sigh and felt John’s hands on his own after a few minutes, loosening his fingers from the curls. Then the couch dipped beside him.

 

He didn’t need to see to know that John was rubbing his face with slumped shoulders.

 

“Show me the questions.”

 

Sherlock looked up with a frown and a pout.

 

“Go on, show me _my_ blog.”

 

Without saying anything, Sherlock just pushed the laptop towards John.

 

“Really? You seriously think I can guess your password? Maybe that IQ dropping thing wasn’t all drama, then.”

 

Sherlock scowled again. “No, it wasn’t and the page is open.”

 

John looked at him a moment long before shaking his head and turning his attention towards the laptop.

 

………..

 

Sherlock had never seen John laughing so hard. And he would have been ecstatic to be the cause of that hearty laugh if it wasn’t at his expense.

 

Here Sherlock sat, trapped and distraught with his heartless boyfriend laughing his inflated head off for the last fifteen minutes. _Cretin._

 

“I never took you for someone who would laugh at someone’s misery.” Sherlock grumbled.

 

“Misery? Sherlock, this is epic! These ques-“ another bout of laughter, “are these people serious? Goodness! Having sex with a- with a garden…bloody hell! Curling iron? Really? This is marvelous! Oh, Sherlock….and your replies…..”

 

These laughing fits were grating on Sherlock’s nerves now.

 

“It’s your fault. You did all this. None of these would have happened if you hadn’t gone out with Lestrade and ignored my texts.” Sherlock snapped.

 

“You drugged me without my knowledge, what did you expect?” John snapped back.

 

“Hence this punishment.”

 

“And what about the punishment for publicly making me a sex expert?” John wasn’t really threatening but Sherlock knew better.

 

“What about it?”

 

“No sex for a month and you keep the blog going.”

 

“WHAT? HAVE- HAVE YOU COMPLETELY LOST YOUR BLOODY MIND? A MONTH?!”  Sherlock didn’t know if he should scream or cry. “A month without sex while I deal with those nitwits’ sex lives? I have to deal with those messages again? AGAIN? And what about your bloody reputation? You were almost ready to behead me moments ago for ruining it!”

 

“A retired Army doctor, who is also a sidekick of the Hat-Detective and a part time blogger blogging about the notoriety of his partner, doesn’t hold much of a reputation as a GP.”

 

Sherlock looked incredulous. You can’t do that! No, absolutely not. John, no!” He was too distressed to stop his babbling.

 

John laughed. He LAUGHED!

 

“Okay, alright, princess, no need to get your knickers in a twist. No sex for a week but you have to keep replying those PM’s.”

 

“No, never, no no no. Do you think I fear you? You ignoramus-“

 

“Sherlock,” John warned with a pointed look, “don’t push, love.”

 

Sherlock pursed his lips. “Why do you want to see me brain dead?”

 

“Let’s just say your dry wit and that wickedly talented sharp tongue turns me on. Imagine what reward will you get for being a good boy for a week?” John slid close. Very close.

 

Sherlock’s eyes widened, then fluttered closed as a wet tongue licked his ear.

 

“Okay.” Damn John and his talented tongue.

 

“Good boy. Now, answer those messages.” John ruffled Sherlock’s hair and got up. “And love, try not to be too harsh. No one wants to look foolish willingly. Maybe they genuinely need your help.”

 

“You read the questions, didn’t you?”

 

“Yep, each and every one.”

 

“And yet you are telling me to be kind.”

 

“Well, as ‘kind’ as you can be.”

 

“Deliberate ignorance is a crime John.”

 

“But you love crimes, don’t you?”

 

“……………I hate you.”

 

John laughed. “Love you too. Now, go on. Those ding-dings are driving me up the wall.”

 

Groaning, Sherlock pulled the laptop into his lap.

 

[][][][]

**“How do I make my penis grow longer?”**

 

_“Water it on a regular basis.”_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

**“I swallowed the contraceptive pill that was meant for my girlfriend. What would happen now?”**

 

_“You won’t end up pregnant. Congratulations.”_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

_Ding_

**“Should I use aluminum foil or a condom while masturbating with a cucumber?”**

 

_“Use both. And make sure to take a contraceptive pill if you do not want to make cucumber babies.”_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

_Ding_

 

**“Can I have sex with a plant? If yes, then which one is the ideal?”**

 

_“Cactus is ideal for anal sex.”_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

_Ding_

**“I think my cat wants to suck me off. Whenever I jerk off, she licks her lips. What do you suggest?”**

_“A lobotomy.”_

 

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

 

_Ding_

 

**“I’m 21 and I reeeelly like to make babies. How do I get pregnant?”**

 

_“By pretending to be mute when with a potential partner.”_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

_Ding_

**“I’m a 32yo healthy married man. My wife just gave birth to our baby a few weeks ago. And now, I am suffering from postnatal depression. What should I do?”**

 

_“Contact a psychiatrist.”_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

_Ding_

**“I don’t like the taste of the birth control pills. Can I just take the placebo pills?”**

 

_“Only if your partner ejaculates placebo sperms.”_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

 

_Ding_

 

**“How can you fix a torn condom?”**

 

_“With thread and needle.”_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

_Ding_

 

**“How can I be myself in bed?”**

_“Order a ‘myself’ in Amazon. There’s a special offer going on.”_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

_Ding_

**“Do baby control pills work on sheep? I don’t wanna be a dad, I’m only 15!** **L”**

_“Leave the poor sheep alone, you dolt. Not every hole is for inserting your penis.”_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

_Ding_

**“Can I get pregnant from phone sex?”**

 

_“Yes, you can. The phone company sends the baby along with the bill.”_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

 

_Ding_

 

**“Since my girlfriend got pregnant, her period has stopped. Do you think the child is drinking all the blood? What do we do now?”**

_“Call the social child security as soon as the baby is born.”_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

_Ding_

 

**“How long before I grow my own condom?”**

_“You weren’t born with it? That’s strange. There are artificial condoms available in the market for the unfortunates like you. Try them.”_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

_Ding_

 

**“Is blowjob cannibalism?”**

 

_“Unless you actually ‘eat’ the penis while fellating, no, it’s not.”_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

_Ding_

 

**I’m guy. I like to put grapes up my butt while masturbating. What if I put, like twenty grapes up there and not all of them come out later? What will happen?”**

 

_“You’ll get grape juice at some point.”_

 

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

 

_Ding_

 

**“How do I determine my baby’s gender?”**

 

_“By looking in between its legs.”_

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

_Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding_

 

 

Sherlock had forgotten when was the last time he cried, but he really really wanted to cry now. Wanted to howl in pain. He looked at John -the bane of his existence, the reason behind all the ding-dings- and saw him reading the paper sitting serenely in his red chair. Sherlock wanted to throw the laptop at his head. Wanted to go and curl up on John’s lap.

 

“John?” He almost sniffled, looking pathetic.

 

“Yes, love?” The bastard looked amused!

 

“John, no more.”

 

“A week worth of love making, remember?”

 

“Still, no more. Please.”

 

“But you have to take responsibility for what you do, Sherlock. Okay, come here, let’s take a break.”

 

Sherlock was tempted to refuse, to lash out. But instead, he got up, trotted to the John-chair, and flopped down on John’s lap. He ignored the resulting ‘mmphh’ from his heartless boyfriend, and wrapped his limbs around his warm, squishy, very much alive soft toy. He pressed his head against John’s chest and closed his eyes.

 

As long as he had _this_ , he could face any challenge, any disaster; could overcome any fear.

 

_Ding_

 

Or not.

 

[][][][]

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, any thoughts?

**Author's Note:**

> Did you enjoy it?


End file.
